Please and Be Pleased: How to Talk to Each Other About Sex and Satisfaction

Sexual satisfaction

One of the most intimate and private topics for any couple is their sex life. With sex, like anything else when it comes to relationships, communication is important for both of you. Many couples, however, find that talking about sex can be difficult. Here are some tips to get your communication started.

Be open to each other

When discussing sexual satisfaction, be open to hearing each other’s perspectives. For example:

  • How much and how often do you both want to have sex?
  • Are there new frontiers that either of you wants to explore?
  • What can each of you be doing to enhance the experience?

Talking about these issues may seem awkward, but it is still important to be open to the discussion. Think about where you want to have these conversations, such as in the bedroom. It’s often a lot easier talking about sex laying in bed together, than it might be over the dinner table or while washing the dishes.

Be sure to listen

Part of being open to each other is being able to listen to your partner. That means actually listening rather than tuning them out until it is your time to speak. You can both practice basic reflection skills to ensure that both of you have heard each other and understand one another’s perspectives. This means echoing back to your partner what you heard them say, preferably in your own words, to check out your understanding and to help them feel heard.

Seek to understand

Understanding is such a central part of any relationship, and that holds true for our sex lives. Take the feedback your partner gives you and act on it. For example, if your partner says that they prefer to have sex at a certain time, listen to that feedback and act accordingly. Remember, when both of you believe that you understand each other, you feel more connected. And when you feel more connected, it will make those intimate moments even better!

Ignore the statistics

There are plenty of articles out there that say that couples should be doing this or that when having sex. Another statistic is how much sex you should be having each week or each month. Too much attention to statistics can create tension and set up an arbitrary standard that you may think you have to reach. Instead, do what’s right for your relationship. Worry less about what you “should” be doing. Focus your conversations on how to make your sex life satisfying for the two of you. Remember, what works for one couple doesn’t hold true for another, so do what’s right for you!

Be open to feedback in the moment

Remember what we said about feedback earlier? It holds true when you are both in the moment. If you touch in a certain way or try something new and you get a negative response, act on that feedback quickly and change course. The moment doesn’t have to be ruined if something gets a negative response, but what will dampen the mood is not listening to your partner. The same is true about positive feedback. If you or your partner is enjoying something, say so and continue doing it. 

Try out new things

If you want to try something new, talk to each other ahead of time about it. Get your partner’s thoughts about your ideas and listen to one another. Of course, it’s important that you don’t push them to do something that they don’t want to do. Sex should be a time when you are showing equal commitment to one another and are enjoying the moment together.  You might find our Sensate Focus page helpful here.

Keep the spark alive

Sex is just one part of the process of keeping the romance alive in your relationship. Some other ideas include:

  • Sending love notes to one another.
  • Scheduling “us time” frequently.
  • Taking a holiday together.
  • Cooking and sharing meals.

As mentioned above, what works for one couple won’t be true for another. Be willing to try new things while also keeping in mind what you like as a couple.

 Getting further help

It’s clear that the way to ensure that your relationship is experiencing sexual satisfaction is by having effective and consistent communication. However, if you find yourselves struggling with this issue, consider working with a therapist who can provide insight and tools to help you feel more connected. Check out our sexual dysfunction page for further information, or call us today on 0151 329 3637. You can also email enquiries@counselling-matters.org.uk or fill out our online referral form if that’s more convenient.

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