One letter started it. One letter saved my life.

 

That letter was never sent.

On 1 July 2022, Wayne wrote a goodbye letter to his daughter. He had it all planned: A painless way to exit this world. All he needed to do was say goodbye. And it was in that saying goodbye that Wayne realised there might be another way: a way to live.

Anxiety, depression, loneliness, fear, and shame are issues common to all mankind. Yet, men face unique obstacles that often prevent them from seeking help and discussing their emotional well-being.

Big boys don’t cry, man up.

British culture, with its “stiff upper lip” stoicism, makes it hard for men to acknowledge and discuss mental health issues. And it’s a killer: Literally. Suicide is the number one cause of death in men under fifty, with one man taking their life every two hours. That’s over four thousand men each year. Four thousand families, decimated. Plus, their friends, colleagues, neighbours. That’s why we need to dismantle the stigma around men’s mental health and get men talking.

So, let’s explore some of the reasons why men don’t speak about their inner turmoil and discover some practical steps toward healing and wholeness.

Why don’t men talk about their struggles?

Social expectations and conditioning

In British society, men are often expected to be strong, resilient, and unyielding. Showing vulnerability is seen as weakness: a chink in your armour. As a result, many men suffer in silence, fearing that, if they speak, they will be judged as weak, ridiculed, or seen as effeminate or gay.

Toxic Masculinity

“Toxic masculinity” describes ideas about what it means to be a man that can lead men to behave in ways that can be emotionally harmful. They pressure men to hide their emotions, avoid crying, and conform to a tough, unyielding image. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult for men to have open and genuine discussions about their emotional and mental well-being.

Fear of Judgment

Many men avoid speaking about their struggles or seeking professional help for fear of being labelled as “less of a man” or “unstable”. They worry about jeopardizing their careers, relationships, or social standing if they acknowledge their difficulties.

Childhood Experiences

Boys are often told, “Big boys don’t cry.” And those who do show vulnerability are often bullied, quickly learning that silence is the best option. Advice such as “don’t let them see that they got to you” is well intended but reinforces the “don’t acknowledge your hurt” message.

Men’s Mental Health in the UK

Suicide Rates

• Suicide is the biggest killer of men under fifty.
• Men aged 40 to 49 face the highest suicide rates.
• Three times more men are lost to suicide compared to women.
• The stigma around seeking help contributes to this alarming statistic.

Barriers to Accessing Help

• Men are less likely to access psychological therapies.
• Their reluctance to discuss emotions leads to delayed intervention.
• The consequences can be devastating for everyone involved.

Recognising Signs of Men’s Mental Health Struggles

Symptoms

Many men have become experts in hiding their feelings and masking their difficulties, so it can be difficult to spot signs of depression. Anger, aggression, irritability, defensiveness, and an increase in reckless behaviours can all be indicators of depression or increased psychological stress.

Behaviours

Men sometimes engage in high-risk behaviours to combat their distress. These include:

• Substance Use: using alcohol, drugs, or other substances to numb their emotions or escape from distressing feelings.
• Reckless Driving: men sometimes use speedy, aggressive, or reckless driving to release pent-up emotions.
• Self-Harm: self-harming behaviours like cutting or burning oneself can provide temporary relief from emotional pain.
• Impulsive Spending: Overspending or making impulsive financial decisions can serve as a distraction from emotional distress.
• Gambling: Sometimes, men might use gambling as a means of escape.
• Thrill-Seeking: Skydiving, extreme sports, or other adrenaline-pumping activities can provide a temporary escape from emotional turmoil.
• Unsafe Sexual Behaviour: Risky sexual encounters might be used to cope with emotional distress.
• Aggressive Behaviours: men might become aggressive or confrontational when they feel emotionally overwhelmed, often hitting out (verbally or physically) at those close to them.

Unfortunately, such coping mechanisms are not healthy and can make matters worse. Some can also have profound, long-term consequences, such as ill health, employment difficulties, financial difficulties, relationship issues, legal problems, and even imprisonment.

Strategies for Men’s Mental Well-being

Seeking Professional Support

There is no shame in seeking professional support, including counselling or therapy. Your GP can be an excellent place to start. GPs have a good understanding of the struggles men face and can offer support alongside a referral to other services and medication.

Talking things through with a professional therapist is the most effective treatment for depression. It can help reduce isolation, providing a safe space to share feelings without fear of judgment. A therapist might suggest more helpful coping strategies to help you deal with the things you are facing without making matters worse.

Good Self-Care Practices

Physical Well-being

It’s impossible to stress the importance of exercise, sleep, and a healthy diet in promoting and supporting good mental health. No one works well on little sleep. Sleep deprivation leads to increased anxiety and depression, mood changes, poor focus and concentration, a weakened immune system, and poor decision-making and problem-solving. It has also been linked to an increase in suicide risk.

Mindfulness and Meditation

Stress often takes centre stage in our fast-paced lives, adversely affecting our mental well-being. However, practices like mindfulness and meditation offer a powerful antidote.

Through intentionally focusing on and paying attention to the present, mindfulness can help you break free from the autopilot mode of existence, reducing stress and bringing clarity of thought. Regular mindfulness practice promotes relaxation and reduces blood pressure.

Meditation similarly provides a refuge from life’s pressures. By dedicating time to stillness and introspection, men can release accumulated stress, leading to a happier and healthier life.

Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT)

EFT (also known as tapping) is a great way to manage anxiety, depression and a whole lot more. It’s quick and easy to learn and is an excellent addition to anyone’s mental health toolbox.

Journaling

Journaling offers a safe, private space for self-expression and reflection. Capturing thoughts and expressing feelings by writing them in a journal can help you stop negative themes from spiralling out of control. It’s like hitting the brakes on a runaway train of anxiety and depression.

A journal can be anything from an elaborate book to a scrap of paper or a note on your phone. Most journal entries are written text, but they can also be drawings, doodles, random words, or anything that catches and expresses what’s going on for you. Many people have found that a gratitude journal, recording at least one thing – however small – that you can be grateful for helps them develop a more positive attitude. Remember to celebrate the small victories, too. They are worth celebrating and recording.

While many people keep their journals to reflect on, the important thing is getting those thoughts out there and onto paper (or a device). If you’re worried about the possibility of another person finding and reading your journals, you can destroy them right away. It’s the process that helps, not the permanent record.

Commune with Nature

There is robust evidence that getting out into the natural world works wonders for our mental and physical health. A walk in the park or along the beach, sitting in the garden listening to the birds, maybe even doing a spot of gardening. Getting out of the house and away from the office can make a world of difference. So take the dog for a walk (even if you don’t have one). Also, check for a men’s mental health walk near you. More and more of these are springing up, and it’s a great way to meet with other like-minded men.

Get Creative

We all have a creative streak, although sometimes it can feel like we lost it years ago. But creative expression is a fantastic way to let off steam and express your emotions. Even if you don’t know what you’re feeling or how to describe it, you might be able to find or make a sound, drawing, doodle, or even movement that expresses it. Getting things out that way can feel dammed good. Even filling in a kid’s colouring book can be a fantastic way to relax. And, if you’re worried about anyone seeing what you create, you can always destroy it afterwards.

Have a Hobby

Sometimes, it feels like hobbies have gone out ‘the window. It’s like we don’t have time for hobbies in this high-pressure world. But taking time to do something that interests and engages you is another good way to unwind and promote well-being.

Finding Resources and Getting Support

There are a growing number of male-focussed support services and resources available today. Here are three services local to Merseyside, but a quick Google search or visiting your local library will help you find other groups.

• Andy’s Man Club – Three groups are local to Liverpool and over 170 nationally. All groups meet 7‑9 pm every Monday (except Bank Holidays) and are free to join; no referral is needed. Just turn up for a brew, a biscuit and a chat. #ITSOKAYTOTALK
• Shaun’s Place – Provides practical and initiative-taking help specifically designed to boost confidence and self-esteem and reduce symptoms of depression, stress, and anxiety. You can self-refer, and services are free. Shaun’s Place also offers a counselling service.
• James’ Place – James’ Place provides a service to men and those who identify as men, who live in the Liverpool area, are over 18 and are in suicidal crisis. Services are free to use, and you can self-refer. They also offer some counselling.

Check out our crisis support page for further resources, local and national.

There’s an App for That

Several excellent apps can help you develop and support good self-care. Here are some we have tried and recommend, all of which have a free tier (some with limited functionality):

• My Fitness Pal – Helps you manage your diet and develop a healthy lifestyle.
• Insight Timer – A mindfulness and meditation app with thousands of free resources.
• The Tapping Solution – A helpful guide to learning tapping with some free scripts.
• One Day Journal – A private journaling app to help you make journaling a habit.
• Strava – Record and share your outdoor activities.
• meetup.com – Find interesting activities in your local area.

Redefining Masculinity

Thankfully, the tide is changing, and we are gradually redefining what it means to be a man. Many leading sportsmen and celebrities, including Michael Phelps, Kevin Lowe, Freddie Flintoff, Ryan Reynolds, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, have spoken openly about their mental health challenges. As have the Princes William and Harry, and many popular TV programs have men’s mental health as part of their storyline.

Conclusion

Men’s mental health is a hot topic. Remember that breaking stigma starts with conversations. Let’s all work together to create a compassionate space where men feel safe sharing their struggles, seeking help, and healing. By dismantling the barriers, we pave the way for a healthier, more resilient generation of men: sons, brothers, husbands, and friends. Together, we can break the stigma, one conversation at a time.

Getting Further Help

If you or someone you know would like further support, you can find a list of local and national resources on our crisis support page. If you want to talk with a professional counsellor, ring us on 0151 329 3637 or email enquiries@counselling-matters.org.uk.

References

Morin et. al. (2021). Insomnia, anxiety, and depression during the COVID-19 pandemic: An international collaborative study. Sleep Medicine, 87, 38–45.

Mental Health Foundation. (2021). Men and mental health.

Barry, J. Walker, R. Liddon, L. Seager, M. (2020). Reactions to contemporary narratives

About masculinity: A pilot study. Psychreg Journal of Psycholog.

Image courtesy of deviantart.com, cropped and resized.